When it was lunchtime one day, three construction workers all sat down together. The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, turkey! I hate turkey!" So he shot himself with a rivet gun. The second one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, ham! I hate ham!" So he jumped off the building. The third one opened his box and said, "Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac and cheese!" So he ran himself over with a bulldozer. At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather puzzled. the first wife said, "I thought he liked turkey!" The second one said, "I thought he liked ham!" But the third one was still puzzled. She said, "I thought he packed his own lunch." Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen. "I want to get weighed," said Sandra. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?" Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." Send it to a Friend       Add new Joke       Comment One day at a bus stop, there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man said, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends." A man and a woman were guests at a party. They had been eyeing each other all night. Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" "Well yes!" answered the woman. The man replied, "Would you sleep with me for a dollar?" "Of course not!" replied the woman, horrified. "What kind of woman do you think I am?" "I've already established that, ma'am," said the man. "Now I'm just trying to settle on a price." A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already." Send it to a Friend       Add new Joke       Comment A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What is the condition?" The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said... "Clean my house." A large, muscular guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are kissing in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She smiles. The man then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Finally, he drops his boxers, and after a quick glance, she grabs her handbag and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!" An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." Send it to a Friend       Add new Joke       Comment