What a Woman Wants in a Man at age 20 What I Want In A Man, Original List Handsome Charming Financially Successful A Caring Listener Witty In Good Shape Dresses with Style Appreciates the Finer Things Full of Thoughtful Surprises An Imaginative, Romantic Lover at age 30 What I Want In A Man, Revised List Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head Opens car doors, holds chairs Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant Listens more than he talks Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times Can carry in all the groceries with ease Owns at least one tie Appreciates a good home cooked meal Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries Seeks romance at least once a week at age 40 What I Want In A Man, Revised List Not too ugly - bald head OK Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture Usually wears shirt that covers stomach Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down Shaves on most weekends at age 50 What I Want In A Man, Revised List: Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length Doesn't belch or scratch in public Doesn't borrow money too often Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear Appreciates a good TV Dinner Remembers your name on occasion Shaves on some weekends at age 60 What I Want In A Man, Revised List: Doesn't scare small children Remembers where bathroom is Doesn't require much money for upkeep Only snores lightly when awake Doesn't forgets why he's laughing Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself Usually wears some clothes Likes soft foods Remembers where he left his teeth Remembers when.. at age 70 What I Want In A Man, Revised List: Breathing Top 10 Men Rules Rule 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule 2 If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Rule 3 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule 4 It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule 5 Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? Rule 6 Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. Rule 7 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. Rule 8 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. Rule 9 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule 10 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary. Quiz: How To Make Women Happy The Point System Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. Simple Duties: You make the bed (+1) You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You leave the toilet seat up (-5) You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0) When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1) When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2) You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5) In the snow (+8) But return with beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with a six iron (+10) It's her pet (-10) Social Engagements At a Party: You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2) Named Tiffany (-4) Tiffany is a dancer (-6) Tiffany has implants (-8) Her Birthday: You take her out to dinner (0) You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1) Okay, it is a sports bar (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10) A Night Out With the Boys: Go with a pal (-5) The pal is happily married (-4) Or frighteningly single (-7) And he drives a Mustang (-10) With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED (-15) A Night Out: You take her to a movie (+2) You take her to a movie she likes (+4) You take her to a movie you hate (+6) You take her to a movie you like (-2) It's called DeathCop 9 (-3) Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9) You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15) Your Physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-800) When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+100) She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20) The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?" You hesitate in responding (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) Any other response (-20) Computers Must Be Male (10 Reasons) 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 5. The best part of having one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The lights are on but nobody's home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 1. Size does matter. Top 15 Signs You're Dating a Freak 15. During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise. 14. Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well. 13. The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?" 12. After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way. 11. He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central Park -- *if* they let him drive. 10. Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 PM Monday night. 9. He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say." 8. "You idiot! That's not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard." 7. If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck. 6. When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, "And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?" 5. Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if you weren't "doing it all wrong." 4. She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show. 3. Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day. 2. His TV remote has a PIN number. 1. She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be President someday. Send it to a Friend       Add new Joke       Comment